5 doses of Reality for Women who read 50 Shades of Grey
The extraordinary popular success of the book Fifty Shades of Grey has been the catalyst to inspire thousands of women to explore their sexuality more broadly, and investigate the BDSM “scene”. To be sure, that’s a wonderful thing. My own twelve years in this lifestyle have been the best of my life, and I strongly encourage anyone who was aroused by the book to continue your exploration in the real-world BDSM scene. Hats off to E. L. James (the author) for inspiring so many of you to undertake what may be the most important journey of your entire life. Seriously. This can be a life-changing experience, and you’re on the cusp of discovering parts of yourself that you never before knew existed.
Now, having said that, you need to understand that while those of us who have been in the scene for many years welcome you, we also can’t help but notice that “Fifty Shaders” (what we call you, often disparagingly) generally have an exceptionally poor understanding of what kinky sex and power exchange relationships are really about. I don’t mean to insult you, but I do hope to get your attention and show you where you can learn more than you know so far.
More to the point, I want to impress upon you that Fifty Shades isn’t a useful source for learning about the real-life aspects of this lifestyle. It may have inspired you, and that’s great. But the book and forthcoming movie are very seldom even taken seriously by people who are truly living this lifestyle, because they are completely unrealistic and what is depicted actually violates some of our most sacred rules of consent and negotiation.
So here are a few “reality checks” intended to help you begin to learn what this lifestyle is actually about in real life:
So if you came here after reading the book, please trust me that the next important step you need to take is to get out of fantasy mode and into learning what the real-life version of this is all about. We have classes, books, and national events geared toward teaching you all about it.
The reason I’m bringing this up is that so many of you newcomers seem inclined to write online profiles that say nothing more than “Searching for my own Christian Grey”, with no further detail about what your interests are. Look, almost nobody who actually has the real-world experience in this lifestyle you are seeking has bothered to read that book, because of its universally negative reputation in our community. So this line has become a pretty strong turn-off for most of us, and we see it a lot.
Please consider instead introducing yourself with something like “I first came to this lifestyle after reading 50 shades, thinking that’s what it was all about. I now realize I have a lot to learn, and I’m seeking an experienced Dominant man who can teach me what this is really about”. That sits much better with us – it tells us you’re ready to learn what the lifestyle is really about, which isn’t at all the same as the fantasy novel you enjoyed so much.
Perhaps you were turned on by the book and now you fantasize about having a strong, confident man tie you up with rope and give you a good firm spanking, perhaps using his belt as well as his big strong hands to show you who’s in charge? Ok, great, that’s a nice fantasy to start with. But when you start to actually explore these things in real life, you’re going to learn that for some women, it’s all about the man taking charge of you. We call that power exchange. For other women, it’s the feeling of vulnerability and loss of control you get from being tied up. For others, it’s entirely about the endorphin high you can experience from the spanking or strapping scene. And for others, it’s entirely about a phenomenon we call subspace, which is something akin to a hypnotic trance, which many submissives experience during kinky sexual play.
The point is, those are all very different experiences, and a key to getting the most from your experience with our lifestyle is to learn to articulate what about the activity turns you on the most. In real life, your partner can’t possibly read your mind (like in the book/movie) and know exactly what to do to turn you on. More to the point, we consider it unethical to just presume to know what you want and do it, as the book/movie depicts. I know, in fantasy, it's better if the wonderfully confident man just takes you forcibly and magically just knows what you really want deep inside. But in reality, there's just way too much risk of forcing you into a situation you truly want nothing to do with. Express consent is therefore an absolute requirement for this kind of activity between people. Leaving it out of the novel added to the juicy feel of the scene, but leaving it out in real life is nothing short of abuse, and we don't consider that a legitimate part of BDSM.
We therefore religiously follow a protocol of negotiation (talking out what turns each person on, and agreeing on boundaries and limitations before actually doing it), then and only then do we engage in kinky play (we call it a scene). After the actual event has ended, the Dominant’s role is to oversee the submissive’s return from submission (and subspace), and to reassure and comfort her should she experience something we call sub drop, which is a self-doubting emotional “hang over” that some submissives experience after an intense scene. We call that part after-care.
So the point of all this is that there’s a lot to learn if you really want to do this stuff in real life, and Fifty Shades was not a meaningful learning tool, even if you thought it was. There are dozens of books on the market introducing newcomers to this lifestyle, but Screw the Roses; Send me the Thorns is probably the most commonly recommended for newbies.
You also need to know that the book and movie, being a fantasy novel, are full of inaccuracies and misrepresentations about what we really do. For example, I laughed aloud when I watched the fan-conceived online movie trailer and saw the girl in handcuffs. Almost nobody plays with handcuffs in real life, except in fetish modeling where the goal of the scene is the photo that’s going to be taken. For real play, we use bondage cuffs (google them), not handcuffs, because handcuffs are not safe if rough play is involved. They can very easily damage the tendons in the wrist if the person wearing them is subjected to any significant physical stress.
But handcuffs look sexy in pictures and in movies, and that’s why you’ve been misled into thinking they’re a more significant part of our lifestyle than they really are.
If you absolutely must think in terms of novels and books, try reading The Story of O, or watching The Secretary. Most of us think those are a bit unrealistic, too, but at least most of us have read and watched them, and will at least know what you’re talking about.
I wish I could tell you that problem is easily solved by skipping the online crowd and going to a “munch” or other in-person BDSM event. Sadly, I’ve seen this over and over again: self-respecting women who are sincerely attracted to power exchange show up at a munch and are so turned off by the people there that they abandon the scene forever. It’s a real shame. Munches can be a good place to learn more about this, but you have to accept that the people who are least able to find a date are the ones most likely to be attending all the munches. If you go, do so with an open mind and be prepared for the possibility that the vast majority of attendees will not appeal to you. Accept that many of the people in our community may be "weird" by your standards, and that we are an all-inclusive, accepting group that tolerates unusual personalities and characters.
Classes – either locally or at national events such as Southwest Leatherfest (Phoenix in January) or Thunder in the Mountains (Denver in July) are the best place to learn about this and meet men who take this seriously enough to recognize that they need to take formal classes in order to know how to engage in this sort of play safely.
But no matter how you slice it, this is likely going to require a lot of patience and you’re going to experience a lot of unwanted attention from people you’re not attracted to. Seriously not attracted to in many cases. I wish I could be more encouraging, but that’s the sad reality of this lifestyle. If it’s any consolation, the gay and lesbian communities are much more grown-up and sophisticated. Hopefully we straight folks will get there some day.
You should also know that almost nobody coming into the scene accurately predicts what their own favorite kinks will be. Lots of people who thought it was going to be all about the physical sensation of the flogger or cane on their skin learn through experience that it’s actually the mental and emotional connection of power exchange that turns them on the most, and vice versa. It’s not at all uncommon for someone coming into the scene to feel absolutely certain of their orientation (Dominant or submissive), only to discover through experience that the opposite orientation actually suits them better. In my own case, many of the kinks that disgusted me at first eventually became favorites.
So my advice is, come in with an open mind, and explore what turns you on. Go slowly at first, and learn about subspace, sub drop, and the safety protocols we use (such as safewords) before you play with anyone.
Choosing a partner who is already experienced in this lifestyle and who can teach you all about it is what most women favor. But please be cognizant of the fact that by insisting on experience, you are creating an incentive for the newbie men to lie and overstate their experience. Beware that many “experienced Dominants” have less experience than they are admitting to themselves. Favor the ones who show an interest in attending classes and learning to do this safely. Taking you to a BDSM class on a date, as opposed to the traditional dinner and a movie, is a sign of a Dominant who has the right attitude.
But if you want to have a positive experience, you need to start by coming to terms with the simple reality that nobody who is actually in the BDSM scene takes that book seriously! Please don’t take offense, and please do continue your exploration. It may be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself. But please, start by learning something of substance before you proceed. Fifty Shades doesn’t count as learning, but Screw The Roses would be a good start.
p.s. I've written this from the Male-Dominant, female-submissive perspective, because that's the audience I keep getting "I'm looking for my own Christian Grey" inquiries from. Obviously, I mean no disrespect to gay, lesbian, or Fem-Domme orientations, where the pronouns would be different. Besides, let's face it, the ignorance is greatest in the Male-Dom het scene, and that's what I'm trying to dispel. No disrespect intended to my LGBT and Domme friends.
But after reading all 200+ replies, I'm astonished by now many people missed the point, completely. To clarify: I am NOT disparaging the book - to the contrary, I went out of my way to compliment the author on a job well done. The book has done more to inspire newcomers to explore our lifestlye than all the efforts of NCSF, Janus and TES combined. So the fact the book has been so successful is wonderful.
The issue is not the book. The issue is that so many people who read the book jumped to the ridiculous conclusion that a fantasy novel that leaves out some of the most important pillars of our lifestyle, such as consent and negotiation, provides an adequate introduction to really understand what we're about and what we do. *My point was not to put down the book or insult its readers. To the contrary, my goal was to inspire them to read some more realistic books, such as Screw the Roses, to begin their transition from fantasy novel non-reality into our world of kinky reality.*
I want to go on record as saying I am extremely disappointed by how many members of the "Leather Leadership" have publicly disparaged the book as if it were a worthless piece of crap. That's a ridiculously short-sighted view. What it really is is an incredibly valuable piece of crap. It's spurred enormous interest in our lifestyle across mainstream society, and that's a GOOD thing, no matter how you slice it, and no matter how poorly written or inaccurately the book portrays our lifestyle.
The so-called "Leather Leadership" should be banding together to organize a series of seminars in every major venue across the land, targeted at vanillas who just read the book and got turned on by it. The seminar might be titled So you read 50 Shades of Grey; Now come learn how we REALLY play! Or something like that. The point is, there has never been a better time than NOW (and when the movie comes out in a few months) to launch a positive, constructive series of public seminars to advance the public understanding of who we are and what we do. But instead of seizing that opportunity, our "Leaders" disparage the book in their speeches (See Guy Baldwin's MSC keynote as just one example) and offer no constructive ideas.
I guess I should start writing on Fetlife regularly. Ladies, I welcome your suggestions and requests for future topics. I'm thinking maybe Sub Fever should come next. -Scott
Now, having said that, you need to understand that while those of us who have been in the scene for many years welcome you, we also can’t help but notice that “Fifty Shaders” (what we call you, often disparagingly) generally have an exceptionally poor understanding of what kinky sex and power exchange relationships are really about. I don’t mean to insult you, but I do hope to get your attention and show you where you can learn more than you know so far.
More to the point, I want to impress upon you that Fifty Shades isn’t a useful source for learning about the real-life aspects of this lifestyle. It may have inspired you, and that’s great. But the book and forthcoming movie are very seldom even taken seriously by people who are truly living this lifestyle, because they are completely unrealistic and what is depicted actually violates some of our most sacred rules of consent and negotiation.
So here are a few “reality checks” intended to help you begin to learn what this lifestyle is actually about in real life:
Reality Check #1: We haven’t read the book and we don’t intend to.
It’s wonderful that Fifty Shades inspired so many of you to come investigate our lifestyle. Welcome! But you need to know that the book is almost universally considered “a joke” by almost everyone who is seriously experienced in this lifestyle. An informal poll I took of the most experienced kinksters I know revealed that almost none of them had read the book. Those few who had were all BDSM educators who were forced to read it because so many newbie students are framing their questions around scenes from the book. And by the way, yes, we have a very formal educational system that includes both local classes and national-scale educational events. We even have a “title holder” system to recognize the educators who have done the most to advance the lifestyle through education. The educators who have read the book all seem to roll their eyes in dismay with its popularity given how poorly it depicts what we really do, but they also unanimously agree that it’s had a very positive effect in terms of inspiring newcomers to come out and explore our lifestyle.So if you came here after reading the book, please trust me that the next important step you need to take is to get out of fantasy mode and into learning what the real-life version of this is all about. We have classes, books, and national events geared toward teaching you all about it.
The reason I’m bringing this up is that so many of you newcomers seem inclined to write online profiles that say nothing more than “Searching for my own Christian Grey”, with no further detail about what your interests are. Look, almost nobody who actually has the real-world experience in this lifestyle you are seeking has bothered to read that book, because of its universally negative reputation in our community. So this line has become a pretty strong turn-off for most of us, and we see it a lot.
Please consider instead introducing yourself with something like “I first came to this lifestyle after reading 50 shades, thinking that’s what it was all about. I now realize I have a lot to learn, and I’m seeking an experienced Dominant man who can teach me what this is really about”. That sits much better with us – it tells us you’re ready to learn what the lifestyle is really about, which isn’t at all the same as the fantasy novel you enjoyed so much.
Reality Check #2: This is much deeper and more complex than you think
A book or movie can’t even begin to convey how profound our intimate experiences are in the scene. Speaking from my own experience, the degree of trust and deep emotional connection I’ve experienced in power exchange relationships completely eclipses anything I ever experienced from vanilla relationships. (That’s what we call the stuff you knew about and had experience with before reading the book).Perhaps you were turned on by the book and now you fantasize about having a strong, confident man tie you up with rope and give you a good firm spanking, perhaps using his belt as well as his big strong hands to show you who’s in charge? Ok, great, that’s a nice fantasy to start with. But when you start to actually explore these things in real life, you’re going to learn that for some women, it’s all about the man taking charge of you. We call that power exchange. For other women, it’s the feeling of vulnerability and loss of control you get from being tied up. For others, it’s entirely about the endorphin high you can experience from the spanking or strapping scene. And for others, it’s entirely about a phenomenon we call subspace, which is something akin to a hypnotic trance, which many submissives experience during kinky sexual play.
The point is, those are all very different experiences, and a key to getting the most from your experience with our lifestyle is to learn to articulate what about the activity turns you on the most. In real life, your partner can’t possibly read your mind (like in the book/movie) and know exactly what to do to turn you on. More to the point, we consider it unethical to just presume to know what you want and do it, as the book/movie depicts. I know, in fantasy, it's better if the wonderfully confident man just takes you forcibly and magically just knows what you really want deep inside. But in reality, there's just way too much risk of forcing you into a situation you truly want nothing to do with. Express consent is therefore an absolute requirement for this kind of activity between people. Leaving it out of the novel added to the juicy feel of the scene, but leaving it out in real life is nothing short of abuse, and we don't consider that a legitimate part of BDSM.
We therefore religiously follow a protocol of negotiation (talking out what turns each person on, and agreeing on boundaries and limitations before actually doing it), then and only then do we engage in kinky play (we call it a scene). After the actual event has ended, the Dominant’s role is to oversee the submissive’s return from submission (and subspace), and to reassure and comfort her should she experience something we call sub drop, which is a self-doubting emotional “hang over” that some submissives experience after an intense scene. We call that part after-care.
So the point of all this is that there’s a lot to learn if you really want to do this stuff in real life, and Fifty Shades was not a meaningful learning tool, even if you thought it was. There are dozens of books on the market introducing newcomers to this lifestyle, but Screw the Roses; Send me the Thorns is probably the most commonly recommended for newbies.
You also need to know that the book and movie, being a fantasy novel, are full of inaccuracies and misrepresentations about what we really do. For example, I laughed aloud when I watched the fan-conceived online movie trailer and saw the girl in handcuffs. Almost nobody plays with handcuffs in real life, except in fetish modeling where the goal of the scene is the photo that’s going to be taken. For real play, we use bondage cuffs (google them), not handcuffs, because handcuffs are not safe if rough play is involved. They can very easily damage the tendons in the wrist if the person wearing them is subjected to any significant physical stress.
But handcuffs look sexy in pictures and in movies, and that’s why you’ve been misled into thinking they’re a more significant part of our lifestyle than they really are.
Reality Check #3: We still haven’t read the book, and we still don’t intend to!
Please try to get over expressing your desires and fantasies in metaphors from the book… “I want that experience like in the movie, where Christian Grey took her and…” Again, the people who have years of experience in this lifestyle and are truly equipped to introduce you to it generally haven’t read the book, because most of us think it’s stupid. Please start by reading Screw the Roses, and talk to us using the terminology you learn there.If you absolutely must think in terms of novels and books, try reading The Story of O, or watching The Secretary. Most of us think those are a bit unrealistic, too, but at least most of us have read and watched them, and will at least know what you’re talking about.
Reality Check #4: Finding the right partner will be harder than you thought
Perhaps you’ve already explored the online BDSM dating websites, and have already learned that in the “het scene”, so long as you are both female and breathing, if you post a picture in your profile you will soon be inundated by dozens if not hundreds of messages. At first it feels great to be so popular, but then you read the messages and realize that the vast majority of them are from sub-moronic imbeciles who have no clue what this lifestyle is about. Most often, they are losers who can’t get a date anywhere else, and have confused “submissive” with “easy”. They also frequently make the absurd assumption that because women here want them to be "Dominant", they should address you in a belligerent, demeaning tone. They foolishly think the BDSM scene is a place where they can find an easy casual lay. Sadly, although those people are not really part of our true community, they vastly outnumber those of us who are serious about this in the online dating forums. It’s going to take a lot of patience on your part to sift through all the idiots and make connections with the 3% or so of online “Dominants” who are actually living in the lifestyle, as opposed to all the idiots wasting everyone’s time on the Internet.I wish I could tell you that problem is easily solved by skipping the online crowd and going to a “munch” or other in-person BDSM event. Sadly, I’ve seen this over and over again: self-respecting women who are sincerely attracted to power exchange show up at a munch and are so turned off by the people there that they abandon the scene forever. It’s a real shame. Munches can be a good place to learn more about this, but you have to accept that the people who are least able to find a date are the ones most likely to be attending all the munches. If you go, do so with an open mind and be prepared for the possibility that the vast majority of attendees will not appeal to you. Accept that many of the people in our community may be "weird" by your standards, and that we are an all-inclusive, accepting group that tolerates unusual personalities and characters.
Classes – either locally or at national events such as Southwest Leatherfest (Phoenix in January) or Thunder in the Mountains (Denver in July) are the best place to learn about this and meet men who take this seriously enough to recognize that they need to take formal classes in order to know how to engage in this sort of play safely.
But no matter how you slice it, this is likely going to require a lot of patience and you’re going to experience a lot of unwanted attention from people you’re not attracted to. Seriously not attracted to in many cases. I wish I could be more encouraging, but that’s the sad reality of this lifestyle. If it’s any consolation, the gay and lesbian communities are much more grown-up and sophisticated. Hopefully we straight folks will get there some day.
Reality Check #5: You don’t know anything yet. Really.
Look, I don’t mean to be insulting, but whatever got you turned on reading that book really didn’t teach you anything useful. You have a lot of learning to do if you want to pursue this seriously, and reading Screw the Roses is probably the best place to start.You should also know that almost nobody coming into the scene accurately predicts what their own favorite kinks will be. Lots of people who thought it was going to be all about the physical sensation of the flogger or cane on their skin learn through experience that it’s actually the mental and emotional connection of power exchange that turns them on the most, and vice versa. It’s not at all uncommon for someone coming into the scene to feel absolutely certain of their orientation (Dominant or submissive), only to discover through experience that the opposite orientation actually suits them better. In my own case, many of the kinks that disgusted me at first eventually became favorites.
So my advice is, come in with an open mind, and explore what turns you on. Go slowly at first, and learn about subspace, sub drop, and the safety protocols we use (such as safewords) before you play with anyone.
Choosing a partner who is already experienced in this lifestyle and who can teach you all about it is what most women favor. But please be cognizant of the fact that by insisting on experience, you are creating an incentive for the newbie men to lie and overstate their experience. Beware that many “experienced Dominants” have less experience than they are admitting to themselves. Favor the ones who show an interest in attending classes and learning to do this safely. Taking you to a BDSM class on a date, as opposed to the traditional dinner and a movie, is a sign of a Dominant who has the right attitude.
In Closing
I sincerely hope this will help some of you find your way, and please know I don’t mean to insult anyone with the critical views I’ve expressed. It’s really great that this book came out of nowhere and has inspired so many of you to come investigate our lifestyle. We welcome you and want you to have the best experience possible. Really.But if you want to have a positive experience, you need to start by coming to terms with the simple reality that nobody who is actually in the BDSM scene takes that book seriously! Please don’t take offense, and please do continue your exploration. It may be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself. But please, start by learning something of substance before you proceed. Fifty Shades doesn’t count as learning, but Screw The Roses would be a good start.
p.s. I've written this from the Male-Dominant, female-submissive perspective, because that's the audience I keep getting "I'm looking for my own Christian Grey" inquiries from. Obviously, I mean no disrespect to gay, lesbian, or Fem-Domme orientations, where the pronouns would be different. Besides, let's face it, the ignorance is greatest in the Male-Dom het scene, and that's what I'm trying to dispel. No disrespect intended to my LGBT and Domme friends.
Addendum after this post "went viral"
I originally wrote this for the benefit of women cruising my profile, hoping to dissuade them from the "You're just like Christian Grey" intro line they'd been using. I never expected it to be so popular - over night last night it went from 50 likes to almost 800. And it seems to have attracted quite a few intelligent, interesting women to my profile. Yay!But after reading all 200+ replies, I'm astonished by now many people missed the point, completely. To clarify: I am NOT disparaging the book - to the contrary, I went out of my way to compliment the author on a job well done. The book has done more to inspire newcomers to explore our lifestlye than all the efforts of NCSF, Janus and TES combined. So the fact the book has been so successful is wonderful.
The issue is not the book. The issue is that so many people who read the book jumped to the ridiculous conclusion that a fantasy novel that leaves out some of the most important pillars of our lifestyle, such as consent and negotiation, provides an adequate introduction to really understand what we're about and what we do. *My point was not to put down the book or insult its readers. To the contrary, my goal was to inspire them to read some more realistic books, such as Screw the Roses, to begin their transition from fantasy novel non-reality into our world of kinky reality.*
I want to go on record as saying I am extremely disappointed by how many members of the "Leather Leadership" have publicly disparaged the book as if it were a worthless piece of crap. That's a ridiculously short-sighted view. What it really is is an incredibly valuable piece of crap. It's spurred enormous interest in our lifestyle across mainstream society, and that's a GOOD thing, no matter how you slice it, and no matter how poorly written or inaccurately the book portrays our lifestyle.
The so-called "Leather Leadership" should be banding together to organize a series of seminars in every major venue across the land, targeted at vanillas who just read the book and got turned on by it. The seminar might be titled So you read 50 Shades of Grey; Now come learn how we REALLY play! Or something like that. The point is, there has never been a better time than NOW (and when the movie comes out in a few months) to launch a positive, constructive series of public seminars to advance the public understanding of who we are and what we do. But instead of seizing that opportunity, our "Leaders" disparage the book in their speeches (See Guy Baldwin's MSC keynote as just one example) and offer no constructive ideas.
I guess I should start writing on Fetlife regularly. Ladies, I welcome your suggestions and requests for future topics. I'm thinking maybe Sub Fever should come next. -Scott
Addendum #2 - Recommended Books, Classes & Conferences
I was surprised by how many commenters said they weren't even aware that we have classes and conferences that provide a safe, intelligent way to learn all about this lifestyle. Please see Recommended Books, Classes & Conferences for recommendations in those areas, and to add your own recommendations in those same categories.
– ScottH
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