…”But You’re Married”
In the last month of trying to get back into the scene and attempting to find a new partner, I have heard the same comment over and over again by multiple people… “But you’re married.” At first, I didn’t take too much from this statement other than the typical repetitive questions that I’m asked when finding a new relationship while being poly. But after a while it started to feel like a slap to the face. Not because of the words in themselves, but the context they have been used in. For example…
Me: “I get offers for hook ups and friends with benefits all the time, I don’t want either of those things. I want a relationship.”
…“But you’re married?”
Me: “I don’t want to be a one night stand to anyone, it makes me feel awful about myself and the other person. I want something long-term.”
…“But you’re married?”
Me: “I want a bond with someone, a friendship that leads to more. Dates, random kisses, dorky moments with inside jokes, and a safe place to be myself.”
…“But you’re married?”
Me: “I want to be treated like a lady and respected as such.”
…“But you’re married?”
Me: “I want boundaries and open communication in my relationships, not panic about who I’m being exposed to.”
…“But you’re married?”
And my personal favorite…
“Sorry I disappeared for a while but you’re married and I found someone who IS girlfriend material.”
Fuck yes I’m married, and IT’S AWESOME! It’s not awesome every second of every day but I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING! I have probably the greatest husband on the face of this earth and he treats me like an absolute Princess. We are not poly because our marriage is in the toilet or because we aren’t happy with each other. Our sex life is what people write books and movies about, trust me when I say there’s nothing lacking. WE are poly because we both have love for more than one person. WE are poly because we both want to experience as much as life has to offer. WE are poly because we both find value in it and WE both get something special out of it.
But I’m gonna have to go with a great big FUCK YOU if you say you’re into poly and you are perfectly ok with trying to get under my skirt but then decide because I’m married that I don’t deserve to be treated like a human being with feelings. Because, to be honest, that’s exactly what it felt like each time I heard this.
I know for a fact poly isn’t for everyone and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that! There’s also nothing wrong with not knowing very much about poly or being unsure how things “work.” I am always more than happy to share what knowledge I have gained about it and realize that even after being in an open marriage for almost three years, I still have more to learn.
But…
Being a poly married woman does not translate that I am fuck doll who you get to use, abuse, and throw away at your convenience. It does not translate that I will be a part of your infidelity. It does not translate that I deserve to have my body exposed to half of our local community because you want to fuck as many people as you can and argue it’s ok because you’re not cheating or hurting anyone because…wait for it…”You’re married.”
I am a person. With a heart, an incredibly big one. I have feelings and feel pain just like I did before I got married. The only difference is now I have someone who tells me I deserve only the best people in my life and has shown me what being truly loved feels like. So feel free to blame him for my refusal to settle for anything less…even if I am married.
Me: “I get offers for hook ups and friends with benefits all the time, I don’t want either of those things. I want a relationship.”
…“But you’re married?”
Me: “I don’t want to be a one night stand to anyone, it makes me feel awful about myself and the other person. I want something long-term.”
…“But you’re married?”
Me: “I want a bond with someone, a friendship that leads to more. Dates, random kisses, dorky moments with inside jokes, and a safe place to be myself.”
…“But you’re married?”
Me: “I want to be treated like a lady and respected as such.”
…“But you’re married?”
Me: “I want boundaries and open communication in my relationships, not panic about who I’m being exposed to.”
…“But you’re married?”
And my personal favorite…
“Sorry I disappeared for a while but you’re married and I found someone who IS girlfriend material.”
Fuck yes I’m married, and IT’S AWESOME! It’s not awesome every second of every day but I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING! I have probably the greatest husband on the face of this earth and he treats me like an absolute Princess. We are not poly because our marriage is in the toilet or because we aren’t happy with each other. Our sex life is what people write books and movies about, trust me when I say there’s nothing lacking. WE are poly because we both have love for more than one person. WE are poly because we both want to experience as much as life has to offer. WE are poly because we both find value in it and WE both get something special out of it.
But I’m gonna have to go with a great big FUCK YOU if you say you’re into poly and you are perfectly ok with trying to get under my skirt but then decide because I’m married that I don’t deserve to be treated like a human being with feelings. Because, to be honest, that’s exactly what it felt like each time I heard this.
I know for a fact poly isn’t for everyone and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that! There’s also nothing wrong with not knowing very much about poly or being unsure how things “work.” I am always more than happy to share what knowledge I have gained about it and realize that even after being in an open marriage for almost three years, I still have more to learn.
But…
Being a poly married woman does not translate that I am fuck doll who you get to use, abuse, and throw away at your convenience. It does not translate that I will be a part of your infidelity. It does not translate that I deserve to have my body exposed to half of our local community because you want to fuck as many people as you can and argue it’s ok because you’re not cheating or hurting anyone because…wait for it…”You’re married.”
I am a person. With a heart, an incredibly big one. I have feelings and feel pain just like I did before I got married. The only difference is now I have someone who tells me I deserve only the best people in my life and has shown me what being truly loved feels like. So feel free to blame him for my refusal to settle for anything less…even if I am married.
– RowenGentry
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